With Alta Coetzee
After 5 year at home as a houseman I came this conclusion…
I was not raised to have a sexist mindset. My mom educated me very well this regard. She told me many times that it is necessary to have respect for woman. She taught me household chores, to be my brother's keeper, because we never had a housemaid or a full time nanny. So, when I had to be both: "houseman" and have a full time career, I aced it.
Seeing my women friends set themselves aside has always been a difficult issue for me to face. The women in my mind is independent, able to take care of themselves and able to choose their own destinies. I am lucky to have a wife like this: strong and independent. Her dream was to be an executive in a multinational company and to live in a country other than Brazil. She accomplished her dream and is living and working abroad. Because of this I am a "houseman."
When she was asked to apply for a position abroad she was worried about the success of my business in Brazil with me not being there. After a long period, we moved abroad and my partners continued to manage my business. I set up a home office to work with them via internet. Everything was running smoothly until Brazil started having an economic crisis and unfortunately I was forced to close doors.
I spent all my time at home and was forced to become a houseman, which I did perfectly all thanks to my upbringing.
On Medium I have had noumerous contacts with feminist writers. Most of them are open minded and they are helping my thought process. Unfortunately it disturbs me to know that there are extreme feminists that will not allow me, as a man, to have an opinion about this movement. Luckily I was able to turn the table and learnt from them as well.
I am excluding the woman that makes a career choice in favour of being a housewife and stay-at-home-mom. These women have as much value to society as any sucessful, high flying, career woman.
I am talking about every women with a dream.
Many women had their lives mutilated by an invisible sexist traditional culture. Many people are not aware of this invisible power, but are contributing and participating in it. Science Politics call this a structural mindset. Sadly, some people are aware of this, but are bound by the power of these cultural and religious "laws."
The summary of my thoughts is that worldwide women are considered inferior to men. In some countries this is more true than others. I firmly believe that women are fully capable of doing anything they set their mind to but they are stuck in the "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" mindset.
I visualize these women as being bound to a stake via ankle bracelet and short chain walking like a mindless donkey in circles. Not by their own choice. Their existence becomes without purpose because they are bound to the cultural stake in the ground.
To make a mind shift change is almost impossible. If you have seen your mother, grandmother, aunts and sisters walking around in mindless circles, to come to a point were you stop and decide to stand still or change direction… or low and behold, even escape, takes superhuman strength.
- "How and when do I start this process?"
- "Should I get a divorce?"
- "What about my children?"
- "If I get divorce, will I be able to support myself?"
- "My qualifications are not able to compete in the workforce anymore… how do I change this?"
- "If I decide to be an entrepreneur, with what resources?"
The list seems endless.
If we understand the history of the marriage we will discover that it is a kind of business. Throughout history there were adjustments about the perception of marriage as a business. It was an agreement amongst families where their children were exchanged but the woman was the core and most valuable object of this negotiation (you can read more about marriage as a business here).
The mentality of the XVI Century became the basis for a modern mindset. In modern times, because of the Revolution of the Industry, the nuclear family evolved and the modern woman can move out from the kitchen and into the industrial workforce.
There is an English saying: "It takes a village to raise a child." Historically, it was the responsability of each parent/adult to educate all the children of the community they lived in. In modern times this changed and children are mostly educated by their nuclear family.
The woman was educated by the church to become the image of Mary which was seen as the utmost form of purity. She received education to be a good wife, good mother and take care of her family.
We arrived in the XXI Century with the mentality that the woman is the man's possession. Even the marriage certificate portrays this where the wife loses her identity when she has to change her last name to that of her husband. Now she is truly her husband's possession.
It is aganst this mindset that we need to fight. Not against the union of two people that love and desire the best for each other. We need to fight this whole mindset of the woman being inferior to the man.
The strength of a women is at the same time also her biggest weakness: the ability to carry another human and to give birth to it. During the years when the child demands all of her attention, the men exploits this and pushes her down so he can remain superior to her. It is difficult to understand and observe this dominating mindset in our daily routine, but is not impossible to review it to start making a change.
All women and men deserve to fight for equal rights. We cannot let a mistake of the past predict a mistake for the future. Here, as an example, the South African Apartheid regime before 1994 where white people dominated and ruled the country. Now, however, the pendulum has swung to the other side and the dominating black government are trying to exile all white citizens with mostly violence.
My experiences as a houseman reviewed this reality for me and I remember a wise saying of my mother:
Women deserves respect.
